Writing this post has been hard. I have prayed about what to write, and I’ve tried to hear an answer. But I keep coming back to just one word: doors. What am I going to do with that? So, bear with me, and maybe we’ll find something together. Apparently, something about doors.
You know that saying that God doesn’t close a door without opening a window? I’m going to go ahead and disagree with that. I am in a season right now where I’ve seen a big door close. I love this door and I don’t want it to close. But there it is: a big beautiful door, slammed in my face. And it hurts a lot.
Even harder? I fully believe that God closed it. Despite my tears and protests, He, the one who knows what is best for me better than I do, has closed me in. But here’s where my disagreement with this trite sentiment comes in. I don’t think there’s a window right now. Not that there will never be, but right now there isn’t. After much praying, I have come to believe that God has closed this door because He needs me to be still. If a window opens, I’ll go flying right out. I need to sit in this moment and learn to depend more on Him. Y’all this is not an easy lesson. I am not a sitting still kind of girl. But I wonder how many sweet nudges toward stillness I missed before God finally had to do something drastic. It is also, unfortunately, not a quick lesson. I have no idea how long I’ll be in this closed space, but I know I have to be open to learning from it.
I was reading in a devotional book the other day, and when I opened to the day’s passage, it was about Noah. And because I’m human, my first thought was, “What in the world am I going to get from Noah that applies to me today?” So God hit me in the head with it.
Two by two they came into the boat, representing every living thing that
breathes. A male and female of each kind entered, just as God had
commanded Noah. Then the Lord closed the door behind them.
Noah didn’t close the door.
I wonder how that felt for him. He was in there for the long haul with no other door opening for a long time. I have to think he was scared. I would be a walking, talking panic attack in a boat full of birds. And the claustrophobia? No ma’am. But Noah was faithful and, of course, was rewarded. The devotional part of the day’s reading ended like this: “Help me to rest safely behind the door you close after me.” Are you kidding? Now I know how Noah applies to me today.
I kept reading into the next day’s devotional because at this point, I was enthralled. What else was God going to say to me while I was sitting in car line? The next one was about fame. Clearly this is not for me. “I struggle to base my identity on you, not on what I accomplish…all my tower building ends in confusion.” Well here I am being confronted by God in an elementary school parking lot. The door that was closed? I was basing my identity on it. And Lord knows it ended in confusion. I wrote in the margins that when it became less about Him, things fell apart and so did I. I listen to K-Love while I’m doing this, and the song that was on was Just Be Held.
Y’all I am not smart enough to make this up; this is absolutely what happened. When I wrote the words about things falling apart, these lyrics came on immediately: “Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place.” And then I was the lady crying in the minivan.
So, yes ladies, I do believe that sometimes God closes a door without opening a window. What He is continuing to open in all this is my eyes, ears, and heart. It’s not easy. Sometimes it’s downright painful. But it is, like all His ways, good.