Defeated, I blurt out without thinking about it, the dishes are piled high and the kitchen is a mess and that makes me worthless. I was taken back after saying that but continued on with the day. I knew it then it was a lie, and completely ridiculous! I’ve got to laugh at the craziness of it. Weeks later the words that escaped from my soul in the hustle of that awkward afternoon haunt me though. It’s like that sentence has a mouth and asks me – Carin, do your actions, does your productivity justify you?
Justify. Like I’m an all-round better person when I have something I know I’ve accomplished. When I’m working towards some goals, I’m an asset to this world in some way and can justify my time in light of accomplishments. What are these sneaky lies that are perhaps a part of my unconscious thought life…?
Haunted, my pen literally grabbed me, I was it’s hostage now and it began to write:
Busy is as busy was.
What about this heart, beat, beat buzz
There’s a tower for me to build but I can’t quite get all the pieces filled
Can’t quite stack them high enough, clever enough, pretty enough
Never ending, always daunting
All my untouched expectations hang before me
Like a full length mirror taunting me
Expecting what..? I’m not quite sure, it’s all unclear
But there’s always more for me to be justified
My soul may not know how to feel
When there’s too much of a crowd all around
Amidst the crowd of strangers making a home among my soul
It crouches down, scrunches up, slouches into a less defined shape
What can be done to settle the score
What is it that I’m striving for
This meaningless chase with a counterfeit prize
All just an empty hole
When the day is done, curtains drawn
Will it ever be enough
My day’s offering
Presented to the god of justified.
Sometimes beauty and truth arrest you like a bright light when you’ve been in the dark.
I was flipping through the Jesus Storybook Bible with my 2 year old in my lap to read to her.
“So God breathed life into Adam and Eve. When they opened their eyes, the first thing they ever saw was God’s face. And when God saw them he was like a new dad “You look like me” he said. You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever made!”
God loved them with all of his heart. And they were lovely because he loved them.
And Adam and Even joined in the song of the starts and the streams and the wind in the trees, the wonderful song of love to the one who made them…
God looked at everything he had made. “Perfect!” he said. And it was.
But all the stars and the mountains and oceans and galaxies and everything were nothing compared to how much God loved his children. He would move heaven and earth to be near them. Whatever happened, whatever it cost him, he would always love them.”
My being, me alive and living, I am proven. God created me and I am in Him. He placed value on us that is above every created thing. The cost is high for us and Jesus paid it with His life. Now through His breath and through His blood I am branded: proven and justified, I am. Until we meet Him face to face again, in Him I can be believing, hoping, holding onto faith, with nothing to hide and nothing to prove.