“Mommy, I’m mad at God,” Brady says to me with alligator tears in his eyes.
“Why buddy?” I ask tentatively. Brady, at nine, still has no filter; you never know what will come out of his mouth.
“He had to take Kodi to Heaven. And Harris. And Daddy and Nathan and I have HSP.”
“Oh, I see.”
Because I did see. I’ve been mad at God for all of those reasons and a few more. I’ve questioned God. While I’ve never doubted Him, I’ve wanted to have several conversations with Him.
I grabbed Brady in a big boa constrictor hug in an attempt to trade tears for breath or possibly giggles. I asked if he loved Kodi (our beloved first furry son who died just a day before Brady’s eighth birthday). His response, “Of course, mom. Kodi was my best friend. He was my pillow, he let me lay on him, he let me cuddle with him. There will never be a dog as wonderful as Kodi.”
“I agree, Brady. But wasn’t it absolutely wonderful of God to give Kodi to us for almost 14 years? Wasn’t it wonderful to know that kind of unconditional love Kodi gave us? Wasn’t it a sweet gift of fur, slobber, and love we had for a while? Would you have wanted to never have Kodi instead of having him and sending him to Heaven?”
“No, mom. I just wish he could have lived forever. I wish I could have met Harris, Heaven is a long way away before I meet my brother. I wish we walked like everyone else and didn’t wear AFOs.”
Have you ever had moments like this? Where you begin thinking of something sad that steamrolls into a list of all of life’s calamities? It’s easy to get caught up in the Kleenex moment and allow yourself to drown in your sorrows. But because of the promises of God and trusting Him with all the details this messy thing called life throws at us we can blow our nose, stand up tall, and celebrate the gifts within the mess. That’s what I was trying to lean Brady towards with his anger towards God. It’s perfectly okay to feel that way because Who better than the One who knows us to the core He created can handle our deepest thoughts? Who else in your life is going to let you hash things out and still love you at the end?
No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39
So Brady, mom doesn’t have all the answers and google fails her sometimes. Mom wishes Kodi could have lived forever (he really was the best dog ever). Mom wishes we all could have spent a lifetime with Harris. Mom wishes she was the one who walks funny in our family. But mom does know and trust the One with all the answers. Mom trusts God with the timing of Kodi’s death. Mom trusts God with the plans He created for Harris not being with our family on earth. Mom trusts God with the way you walk because it’s made you a million times more amazing than she ever imagined, and God doesn’t make junk or mistakes or does anything that isn’t going to work together.
Romans 8:28: And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.